


Happiness; Sorrow; Fear; Bliss

by m00dykitty



Category: The X-Files
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-22
Updated: 2016-11-22
Packaged: 2018-09-01 11:11:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8622337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/m00dykitty/pseuds/m00dykitty
Summary: He breathed in that Scully smell. This was bliss.





	

Title: Happiness; Sorrow; Fear; Bliss

Rating: M

Feedback: Yeah, please. But keep in mind I wrote this almost 7 years ago :) 

Category: X-Files, MSR, season 7/season 8/ post-series

A/N: I fully understand that the switching POVS are a bit much but just try to go with it :)

________________________

 

I : Happiness

She wasn't real. She couldn't be. This wasn't real. This wasn't reality. Couldn't be. She was so warm. Her skin was so damn soft. The morning sun shined in through the window, making her glow. Her red hair shimmered in the natural light. He moved his hands to the tops of her shoulders and dragged them down the length of her back. So smooth, so soft, she smelt too fucking good. Hands stoping on her hips, he slowed her rhythm. She let him. He wanted this to last, so did she.

Scully cupped his face, forcing him to look at her. She needed him to make sure he was seeing her. Not just anyone, her. Only her.

'I want to give you this, Mulder,' she told him silently, as he moved her hips in an agonizingly slow motion. I want to give you everything I have. I want to give you all of me. You want it, you demanded it. You stood in my kitchen, shouting at me. You told me you were done if you couldn't have all of me, that you were sorry, but you couldn't go back. You wanted it all. The physical aspect we'd recently added to our already complicated, wildly far too codependent relationship made it all too much. And then you told me you loved me. You wanted me, but you needed me to let you in all the way. I froze. I tried to speak, I had so much to say, but no words came out. So, you turned to leave.

I found my voice as your hand reached the for the doorknob, "Don't go," I said coming after you, stopping just inside the living room. You stopped, but didn't turn around, "Please, I… I'm sorry, Mulder," I could feel the sting of tears in my eyes, "I want to. I want to be with you all the way. I do. I just…." The words wouldn't come out. I was so scared. I thought I was going to loose you if I couldn't say them. And I couldn't get them out. Tears began to roll down my cheeks, I crossed the room to stand behind you. Wrapping my arms under yours, I held you as tight as I could, pressing my body into you. Hoping that you had somehow, somewhere become and empath, even though I don't believe in such things. I wanted you to be able to feel what I felt for you. If you could have, you would have had no doubts.

"Just please, don't go," I pleaded, tears clogging my throat. I pressed my face into your back, my tears left wet spots on the back of your shirt. You tried to move my arms, but I wouldn't let go.

"Scully-"

"Say you'll stay."

'Just look at this, Mulder,' I was thinking. 'I am trying to hold on to you, any way I can. Even physically. Does this look like a woman who doesn't love you too? Would I cry, Mulder? Would I plead? Can you honestly believe these pass few months have just been sex for me? You can't really believe that. Don't you remember that night at your apartment, the first time we had sex on your couch, and I told you that you made me feel like I'm alive? You're the only one who does, Mulder. Just feel me, and I won't have to struggle to get the words out. The love is there, I promise you. It's just the words that are missing.'

You ran your fingertips lightly over one of my hands, and after a brief struggle from me, you raised my hand to your lips. You kissed my knuckles, my thumb pad, and the center of my palm. I loosened my grip, and you turned in my arms.

I hugged you tightly again, "Say it," I said burying my face in your chest this time.

You didn't say it. Instead you took me to my bedroom. When you started to undress me, I had thought you wanted to make love. I was disappointed when I realized you didn't. After unclothing yourself, you laid down with me. You weren't given the choice of holding me or not. I couldn't let you leave. We laid face to face. Moving one of my legs between both of yours, I rested my head on your arm you had laid across the pillows. We were nearly nose to nose. One arm tucked between our bodies, I laid the other over your waist. 'Feel me, Mulder. Feel how I feel.'

You put your free arm over my waist, and pulled my hips a little closer.

As I began to doze, I asked you to say that you'll stay one more time. You didn't answer me. You were still awake, but you didn't answer me. I tried to hold on to you tighter, "Please be here in the morning," was the last thing I said before sleep over took me.

When the morning came, I woke slowly. Feeling for you before I opened my eyes. But there was nothing to feel, you weren't there. I began to cry. Curling into a ball, I pulled the covers over my head, the covers that still smelt like you, and then began to sob. I didn't know where you were, but I knew that wherever you were, you had taken my heart with you. You took it right out of my chest. If felt as if a hole had been ripped in it. It hurt. It hurt to breathe.

But then I heard a loud bang, I froze. Then I heard a profanity, and then another, and another. Throwing the covers off myself, I ran into the next room. I found you on my living room floor, holding your toe, pain obvious in your face. It took you a moment to realize I had come into the room.

"I kicked the god damn table, " you informed me, still rubbing your toe, "How many times have I walked in this room? And how many times has the table moved? And I kicked the god damn table."

I laughed, I couldn't help it. You're adorable. That made you smile. I sat down next to you and inspected your bruised digit. I am a medical doctor, after all.

"What do you think, Doc?," You stuck that glorious bottom lip out as far as it could go, "Will they have to take it?"

I smiled, "I think you'll be okay."

You didn't smile back, and I realized you were inspecting my face, "You were crying." You brushed your thumb across my cheek.

Closing my eyes, I sighed, and leaned into your hand, "I thought you'd gone."

"No, I stayed."

I opened my eyes, "I'm glad."

And now, here we are. You'll have it. You will have it all. I love you, Mulder. Don't ever go, and I'll show you just how much. Please. Always stay. She placed an open mouth kiss on the side of his neck to punctuate her silent confession.

It wasn't just her skin that was warm, it was her heart as well. She brushed her nose against his, and smiled.

He couldn't believe it. This was his woman, that had been settled last night. For good. His. He didn't deserve her.

He moved one of his hands to her hair, and redirected her lips to his. He kissed her hard, full of passion. Her hips began to move faster. The sounds she made were muffled by his mouth. She ran one of her hands though his hair, tugging at strands. The other gripped his shoulder as his own hips began rising to met hers.

The growling began. Out of breath, she pulled away and pressed her forehead against his. Her nails began to bite his skin as the sensations began to overtaken them both. He surprised himself with the ability to speak, "You're beautiful," she growled in response, "you're unreal."

"I'm real," she ground her hips down, hard into his. He groaned, she growled again. "For you. I'm real, for you."

This was happiness.

II: Sorrow

Your baby. Your baby. Not our baby. Your baby. I'm happy for you, Scully. For you. I am happy, for you.

Fuck him.

His words stuck like glue in her mind. He'd also told her that he didn't know where he fit in. If he'd been a little more open with her since his return, she might not have fought off her urge to remind him that where he fit in was next to her. But things were wrong between them. She feared speaking her mind would only result in more silence from him. If you don't say how you feel, you can't get rejected.

Scully rinsed the conditioner from her hair.

In all the time he was missing, she never stopped to consider that once she found Mulder, he wouldn't want her anymore. At least, not in the way he'd had her before. The way he could still have her, if he wanted it. If he wanted to not act like a child. If he wanted to acknowledge that maybe the nearly 6 months of unprotected sex they'd had might be the reason why she had elastic in the waist of all her pants these days. Yeah, yeah, yeah, she'd been barren. She couldn't explain it. But this was their child. Theirs. Not just hers. It takes two to tango. 'And we did tango, Mulder,' she thought, 'A lot. Even if you want to pretend that you don't remember.'

As she stood under the spray of her shower, Dana Scully had officially decided that she was never again speaking to Fox Mulder. Ever. Well, at least for a while. For the day. Unless he suddenly showed up and wanted to talk, of course.

He wouldn't do that.

She turned off the shower. Drying herself off as much as she could, she wrapped the towel around herself and walked through the dark to her bedroom. Inside, she shut the door behind her.

"I like that you're letting your hair grow out."

Scully gasped and spun around. "Mulder?" He stepped out of the shadows, "What are you doing?" She was mildly concerned that she wasn't all that concerned to find him lurking around in the dark of her bedroom.

"I wanted to see you," he stopped in front of her.

"Is there a reason why you can't knock on the door like a normal person?"

"I did. You were in the shower."

"So, you just come in?"

"I could leave."

"No, don't." She felt herself warm at his closeness.

They both watched as he ran a finger down the smooth skin of her naked arm. They both felt the shiver that ran though out her body.

"Mulder," she started as he stepped closer. He moved one hand to her hip and the other behind them to rest on her ass. He gave it an appreciative squeeze. "Mulder, we need to talk."

"I know."

Sex at seven and a half months pregnant wasn't easy, but it was doable.

Scully gripped the sheets, and pushed back into him. She was unaware of the sounds escaping her. Needless to say, if they didn't already know, her neighbors were now very aware that Mulder was back. Mulder himself, however, was not unaware. The sighs, and moans escaping her were about to send him over the edge.

In that moment, he felt as though nothing had changed. They were just two plain o'l FBI agents, with their very own special secret club called the X-Files. They should have hung a sign on the door. Mr. and Mrs. Spooky only, no normal people aloud. It was too late now. In that moment, they were just two FBI agents in love with each other, and who both were mighty big fans of this position.

His movements were not gentle, they were hard and fast. Nothing about this had been gentle. He didn't kiss her. Aside from the finger on her arm, there had been no caresses. Only gripping, grasping, a rub here and there. With one hand knotted in her hair, and the other gripping tightly at her waist, he pumped into her with all the energy he could muster. Opening his eyes, he caught a glimpse of Ouroboros on the small of her back. He immediately covered it with his hand. What was it with other men thinking they had a right to be close to Scully? Fuckers, all of them. Ed Jerse. Phillip Padgett. John Doggett. Walter fucking Skinner. She was his, god damn it! He moved his hips a little harder, a little faster.

He didn't notice it was his name she screamed as she came.

They lay in silence afterward, not touching.

"I don't know who I am anymore, Scully."

She reached across the bed and weaved her fingers though his, "You're Mulder." They lay like that for only a moment before he rose from the bed. As he dressed himself, she realized his lips hadn't touched hers once. He had avoided the bump in her stomach at all costs, simply turning her on her hands and knees. He hadn't even looked at her, not once. She suddenly became very cold.

She heard the front door shut, and then the apartment was silent. Scully curled on to her side, into a ball and held her stomach.

She wept.

This was sorrow.

III: Fear

Three in the morning was far too late to be having this type of conversation.

Mulder shook his head and slammed his fist into the wooden table in frustration, "Damn it Scully, you're the most logical person I have ever known. But, you're not thinking with your head right now. You're thinking with your heart. You can't do that. You could have so much more than this," he stood, waving his arms around in the air erratically,"You could have your whole life back."

"No," She crossed her arms defiantly, "Not my whole life, Mulder."

He knew what she meant by that. But instead of making his heart soar, which it never did, because he was a manly man and all, it only made him more frustrated. She was doing it again. Heart, not head. He rubbed his forehead and did a half turn away from her.

Before he could continue his argument, he found her moving to step on top of his socked feet. Standing on her tippy toes, she wrapped one of her arms around his neck and brushed her free hands finger tips across his cheek. He didn't move to respond. He kept his eyes on the blue carpet underneath them.

'Don't look at her,' a voice in his head said. 'Don't listen. Don't breathe her in.'

"You're right, I am thinking with my heart, because you are my heart." She told him softly, moving his head so that she could look him in the eye, "I'm fi- I'm happy here, with you. No, this is not where I thought I'd be 10 years ago, but we're doing okay, Mulder. You know we're doing okay. We've been happy here, haven't we? You've been happy, haven't you?"

He was listening, and looking, and smelling, despite himself. "Yes," was all he managed to say.

After a year of moving around every few months, they had settled in southern California. The apartment has tiny, but it was cozy. The view of the sea made up for the crappy plumbing. In the evenings, when they got home from their crappy, thankless jobs they would sit out on the tiny balcony, wrapped up in a blanket, and each-other. He'd tell her all the stories he knew about mermaids, sea monsters and pirates as they watched the sun go down. They ordered take out, argued, and made love as they waited to not be wanted. This tiny apartment had been their home for the last 2 years.

"Okay, then please, just stop this." She pressed his lips to his cheek, "Don't ask me to leave you. I can't." She moved her lips to his jaw, and finally to his lips. Going, going, going… gone. His arms circled her tiny frame and held her up against his body. She sighed, and moved one of her hands under his shirt. As she raked her nails down the skin of his back, and pressed herself closer, he began to forget what they had been discussing.

He was a goner, almost.

A different voice was speaking now. 'Too soft, too warm, too goddamn pretty. That smell. Don't deserve this.' And he remembered. He pulled away from her. She was too surprised to protest as he place her, literally, an arms length away from himself. He stepped back a couple extra feet, just to be safe.

"I can't let you do this, not again."

Fourteen and a half minutes later, Scully was crying. Sobbing, actually. She was standing in the living room of their tiny apartment by the sea, head in her hands, sobbing. And panicking, she couldn't get her breathing under control. She was spinning the wheels in her brain as fast as she possibly could.

At some point, the heated discussion had turned into a very loud fight. And at that point, the subject had turned from, 'I'm not going to let you stay here with me, in this shit-hole, when you could go back to real life,' to, 'If you don't go back, I'll leave you. Then you'll have no reason to stay.' That was when the tears had started. She protested, loudly.

"I'll follow you! Wherever you go I'll follow you, Mulder!" She yelled, wiping angrily at the moisture on her cheeks, "You know I will!"

Yes, he did know that, but he was frustrated enough to think that it wouldn't matter. "You have to sleep sometime."

That was when she began to panic.

He was right. She did have to sleep, eventually. He did too, but god knows, he could out do her in insomniac hours 10 times over.

So, he was saying that either she left him, or he was going to leave her. In her sleep, when she couldn't follow him. And he was doing it all because he loved her, and he wanted more for her. What could she do? No matter how fast and hard she spun her wheels, she couldn't see a way out of this one. Her only options both left her without him. She wanted to go back. She wanted him to not open the email. She didn't want to know that she was free, and that he wasn't. She just wanted to crawl under their poofy, burgundy comforter together and sleep till morning when they could make breakfast and drink coffee and fight over the paper. Then go to their crappy little jobs, come home and do it all over again.

The voice in Mulder's mind was speaking again. 'Just go, now. Don't look at her, don't listen. Just turn around, go into the bedroom, get your things, and go. It's for her. Just because she's not happy at this moment, doesn't mean she can't be. Just do it.' He backed out of the living room, and headed for the bedroom.

It had taken Scully years to admit that she even wanted Mulder, and even longer to admit to herself that she needed him too. She had been afraid, so god damn afraid to let him in. She knew that once she did, she'd never be able to go back. If she allowed herself to fall for him, she knew that she would drown in it. At some point, she betrayed herself and fell in love with him anyway. That didn't mean that she had to let him know that. She tried to hide it both from him and heself the best she could.

But then she did tell him, because he demanded that she do so. And the she let herself feel it, all of it. She had been right, there was no going back. Its me and you, Mulder. Me, and you. Scully wasn't afraid anymore. Love was nothing to fear. Not when it was with Mulder. Just as long as they were together.

It took her a moment to realize that he'd left the room. She nearly tripped down the hallway following him to the bedroom. Stopping in the door frame, she felt as if someone had kicked her in the stomach.

Mulder stood next to his open dresser, grabbing and then stuffing its contents into one of the duffle bags they had bought during their first week as fugitives. He was really doing it. He was packing his things. He was going to leave her. He wasn't even going to wait till she fell asleep.

'Just keep packing,' he told himself. 'She's crying, yes. Because of you, yes. Because she doesn't want you to go, yes. Because she loves you, yes. Just don't listen. Keep packing. This is for her own good. She could be happy. You love her. Give her this. She could have more. Just go. Just let her go.'

"No!" she shouted, rushing over to the bed. Stretching her small body across it, she grabbed the duffle bag just as he reached to put his last shirt into it and held it to her chest. She wasn't letting him go this easy.

"Give me my bag, Scully," he said a lot calmer than he felt.

"No! You can't do this!" Moving around the bed, and dodging him, she reached her hand into his duffle bag and began stuffing his shirts back into his drawer.

"Scully, give me the bag."

"I said no!" She continued stuffing, "If you wanted to leave me because you found yourself suddenly no longer in love with me, I would let you go. It would kill me, but I would let you go." She slammed the drawer closed, and threw the empty bag on the ground. She turned to him, "But you do love me. And after everything you've been though in your life, you have every right to be sick with guilt. But I am not going to let you walk away and hurt us both because of it! I'd rather live any life with you, then live one with out you. Don't you get that? Don't you understand that by now?"

He opened his mouth to speak, but she cut him off. "You think I'l be happier, but I won't be. I'll be broken, and sad all of the time. I'll be hallow. I know, Mulder. I've lived it!" She was crying again. She stepped close to him and grabbed the front of his shirt lightly, "Please, don't ask me to go though that again. You say you want me to have more, but all I want right now I for you not to leave me."

"I don't want to," he said quietly, softening. He didn't. He did not want to be anywhere Scully wasn't. But after all they'd been though in the last 3 years, well actually the last 11, but especially the let 3, how could he let her do this? She wanted to stay with him despite being free and clear to go back and live a normal life. Despite being able to be a doctor again, despite being able to see her family again. Hell, despite being able to use her real name again. She wanted to stay here and pretend to be nobody with him. It wasn't right. He couldn't do that to her. "I don't want to leave you. Please understand that. I love you, Scully. That's why I'm doing this."

Defeated, she leaned her forehead against his chest and cried harder. She just couldn't get him to understand. Unable to help himself, he wrapped his arms around her. Sitting back on the bed, he pulled her into this lap.

"I'm sorry, Scully," he whispered as she continued to cry. He ran a hand though her long, red hair. For a long moment the only noise in the apartment were her cries.

"I can't picture it," she said into this shirt, "I can't picture being without you. It's all just grey. There's nothing."

Mulder squeezed his eyes shut against the sting of tears forming in them, he held her tighter. 'You and me both, Doc,' he told her silently.

Fox Mulder had never been one to listen to anyone. Not even the voices in his head. Pulling her away from his chest, he took her damp face in his hands. And then, he did exactly what the voice in his head was telling him NOT to do. He kissed her.

One hand gripped the metal headboard, the nails of the other bit the skin on his chest. He gripped her hips tight. There would be Mulder's finger size bruises in the morning. 'Leave all the marks you want, Mulder, ' she thought. 'Just as long as you're here to kiss all when I wake up.' He pulled her hips down on to his and ground his up into hers. Scully saw stars, she let out something low between growl and a whimper. He made a sound in agreement.

Leaning back, she looked into this eyes, sending telepathic messages. 'Can't you feel this, Mulder? Has anything ever felt so good? If you go, we can't have this. Don't go. Don't go. You make me happy. Look how happy you're making me. Please, don't go.' Her eyes drifted shut as the sensation began to build. She gasped as he flipped them over.

Lifting her leg over his shoulder, he held her tight against him as he began to move again. Her sounds got louder as his pace quickened. He buried his face in her neck as his movements because more erratic.

"I want you to have everything," he managed to get out. His voice so low he wasn't sure he'd even said it out loud .

"Everything is empty without you," she whispered back, "Everything is nothing."

This was fear.

IV: Bliss

The summer they moved to Virginia, the weather had been exceptionally fair. Cool enough to be comfortable, but warm enough for Mulder to convince Scully she needed to wear sun dresses as much as possible.

Sun-dress Scully was one of his favorite Scullys.

In the early afternoons, they would take an afghan and picnic basket out to the giant willow tree behind their unremarkable house. The tree created shade for them, even though Scully had made sure to slather them both down with more sunscreen than was really necessary. Birds chirped from the tree tops.

Scully straddled is hips, "I don't care how many eye witness reports there have been, Mulder. Leprechauns do not exist."

He looked up at her from the ground. The sun was shinning behind her, making her glow. The wind blew softly, brushing strands of her hair around. His hands rested high on her thighs, under the pale yellow material of her dress, "Actually Scully, when I first met you, I thought you were a leprechaun."

She twisted his nipple till he yelped. In one quick motion that he had perfected over the years, he rolled them over and pinned her beneath him, "A very cute leprechaun."

She tried to knee his stomach. He grabbed her leg before she could and wrapped it around his waist. She fought him only for a second. The hem of her dress fell, exposing her bottom half. He brushed red-gold strands from her face. He was taken aback by the wave of emotion that hit him as he looked down at her. She was Scully. She was his. She was everything.

Leaning up, she placed a quick kiss on his lips. And another, and another. By the forth, he had his hand on the back of her head, holding her face to his. Out of breath, he was forced to pull away.

She smiled, and brushed the tip of her nose against his. All those years ago, he would have never guessed that Scully would be such a loyal eskimo kisser. He ran one of this rough hands down the smoothness of her bare arm. She sighed happily has he placed a soft kiss on her shoulder. Scully brought her other leg up to his waist as she pulled his middle down to her hers. Her other hand ran though the strands of his brown locks as moved his lips to the side of her neck.

"I want you till the end, Scully."

"You have me till the end, Mulder."

He breathed in that Scully smell.

This was bliss.


End file.
